A jellyfish falls short of its dream to kill Diana Nyad, a study shows the average person becomes an unhinged psychotic when behind closed doors, and Bruce Springsteen is on the fence about playing Bashar al-Assad's birthday gig. It's the week of September 6, 2013. For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion